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[Jan. 18th, 2006|05:42 am] |
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anybody interested in the comeback kid show in phx on mar 6? it's the only show i found so far in the time i'm home |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 17th, 2006|06:08 am] |
i don't know what's best for me. who or where for that matter. "dude you're going to be like henry rollins in 20 years" was the best thing i've ever heard. fuck idolatry, henry rollins doesn't believe in that shit either. but i can't help but look up to that guy. scathing, funny, eccentric, and pissed. most importantly, he's still pissed. i don't feel i'm capable of accomplishing what he has, so i don't know where they got that comparison from but it was nice to hear even if only it was to fill me full of steam. they say it's in how i write...i don't see it. but i'm not in the spot to give an objective opinion. they tell me to write, i'm confident in alot fo aspects, but i don't know enough to write and to teach. i can't offer enough with words, i don't have that control over them. don't mind me.
i want to climb and run along a trail, to nearly the peak. or just high enough (it's pretty tall.) i want to eat a sandwich and a pear when i get there. look at the horizon try to take in and reflect the sky. i also want to go to disneyland, 24 hrs or bust |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 14th, 2006|04:28 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | crap | ] |
| [ | music |
| | alkaline trio | ] |
i can't recognize this feeling. it's seething. i get off the phone and i'm not better for it, i only feel like i've sunk even lower. i want to breakdown. but i tell myself it ain't that bad and how can it be when it can be so much worse. i could be getting shot at this very moment. i'm safe. but really i'm just sick of being so alone. i've condemned myself to that, since i won't let myself be happy, how could i offer that to anyone else? i think they've caught on too. i want to help others, carry them on my shoulders. really though it's selfish in nature, everything i do i feel like i'm only doing it because in the end it's to serve my own ends. i'm a liar when i say everything is alright.
all this time i've wasted and i don't know what i have to show for it.
maybe i'm just upset that i feel like i lost what was never mine to begin with. she's moving away. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 10th, 2006|02:57 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad | ] |
feb 27 - sometime in march. i'd rather not think about coming back (here)anyway.
i don't know if that's for sure, pretty sure. i'll start asking when february gets here. tonight i listened to reggie and stood on a barricade, wrapped in black fleece and worried and fretted. i think i'm too late. but i know that's my fault. i came down this road and i notice the change in myself, i like it. but i missed so many chances, was it worth it? i think i'm too late, i'm pretty sure i'm the only one who cares.
hmph oh well. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 8th, 2006|07:14 am] |
so according to the leave matrix i'm slotted to spend about 16 days in the states as of feb-mar. which kinda sucks because that's way earlier than i had wanted. and besides i was just home like 3 months ago, people think i barely even left. i was trying to avoid kuwait while it's hot. but i'll know soon, as it develops, if that will be for sure my leave dates or not, i won't be able to pin down an exact day as i have to fly out of country on space available. also sucks because people will still be doing school and work and who will be able to hang out? well still it'd be a nice break from this place regardless.
i had to order a hatebreed and buried alive shirt so i'd have some clothes when i'm home. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 6th, 2006|02:44 pm] |
no one will care but i'm stoked. i've beaten a couple of personal goals this week. i benched 205lbs (i know i'm capable of a little more at this point too) and i shot 39/40 on my weapons qual. i've never shot that good in the army (and i finally earned an expert badge) and the last time i put up anything over 150 was my freshman year of high school when i was a buck 30.
i dont mean to boast but damn if i don't brag...
and after a long time of not wanting to admit it, i'm gonna come on out and say it, hatebreed is my favorite band.
so serious. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 3rd, 2006|07:28 am] |
well i hate to jinx myself, it seems like any time i talk about loving a certain band at the moment, or playing a certain game, or starting a certain workout in LJ it all goes to shit not to long after i make some declaration in a post. so i'll speak in a reverse polarity. i don't think reggie and the full effect is one of the best bands ever, i am not wasting all my time playing final fantasy 3 (and im definately not in the world of ruin, finally.) and i am not going to start working on a structured 12 week workout program. so i'll keep right on not doing any of those things.
i slept thru new years, christmas came and went. they are close to starting up the leave program. i'm thinking late may- early july'ish i'll spend about 8 days in tucson again and the other time in WA with the rents. sure last time i got married, tattooed, turned 21, killed zombies, sang along to a hatebreed cover and all that, yet somehow it felt uneventful, i'm surprised at the little details i do remember, but i suppose thats to be expected when i only really enjoyed myself a total of maybe 2 1/2 weeks out of the entire year. this year is a wash. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 17th, 2005|03:01 am] |
i dont like being stuck in the desert when so many of my friends are in a bad spot. not that i'm a big guy. not that i'm a problem solver or a mediator that can dissolve any tense situation. but not being able to do anything but send out myspace messages and calling the handful of people whose numbers i can remember isn't making me feel much better. it's ridiculous to think but i feel like i let my friends down by not being there. i guess that's because i'm not really doing much while i'm stuck in the army either. i've felt like that for the last 2 years nearly. like nothing i've done in the army is of any benefit to anyone, let alone myself. i'm just frustrated, isolated and i live a groundhog day everyday. i have some things to be grateful for, but those little conveniences are outweighed by what is my focus and frustration right now. and whatever i have to deal with i'm sure is magnified a hundred times by my friends who were more closely affected.
i play final fantasy 3, read books and workout. i just wish i could be home right now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 17th, 2005|10:14 am] |
i coulda swore that first night we were instead on a top secret moonbase. or tattooine. i looked over the dirt burm for the moisture farm. as far as i could see was barren. interesting, makes the SW desert i know look like a tropical rainforest just teeming with ecosystems.
i work the graveyard shift, any irony in that i love zombies? maybe not. i spend most of my days being pissed. it's my disposition to be. i read harry potter and play castlevania in my off time. i am ordering some books right now. catch 22, catcher in the rye, those bookspeople always say i need to read.
at least the food is good, and theres a subway here to boot! |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 10th, 2005|07:49 pm] |
it's only 730pm and i'm tired. i don't know why. someone mentioned jetlagged but that can't be. it's never quiet in a hypochondriacs mind. am i i dont know? but i think i could be tired because i have an iron deficiency, anemia? i remember hearing that lime disease can make you feel exhausted amongst other things. doctors told me once i might have lime disease. they didn't know and didn't feel like doing the bloodwork to find out. so they had me take a pill, that could possibly cause liver failure. i took it and worried about having a liver for those two weeks. i think it still works since i dont have jhondis (sp?) i still have a scar where the tick bit me that possibly gave me lime disease. i didn't know tick bites can scar but its a bump that raises every once in awhile and itches like high hell. i'm only back at the computer lab again to get an address. there was a carnival today and i heard some official in a speech made an illusion that 9/11 was orchestrated by saddam hussien. if you tell yourself a lie enough it becomes the truth.
i am in serious like with 3 things right now. metal (mostly black,) alkaline trio, and the rapper known as Death |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 5th, 2005|02:15 pm] |
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i know it's a terrible state of mind, but i can't bring myself to want to hang out with the dudes here. not that i'm terribly bummed, only slightly when my room was packed up, all except my laptop, tv and gamecube. but perhaps i'm just still so damned homesick. i haven't had much appetite lately. i guess 6 months isn't so far off, as that's when i can next come visit. i should be getting out though, and doing shit this weekend, but i spent last night writing and revising lyrics. enjoying one of the last time i'm not going to have to confine my music to head phones and subdued head bobbing. enjoying when i can strut around after showering beltin out tiger army misfits and johnny cash. i'll just go to the store and buy groceries, maybe that will help put my mind at ease. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 3rd, 2005|12:15 pm] |
i made it back just fine. if that's really the word for it. i'm feeling a bit under the weather. but not as bad as it would have been had i not taken those vitamins john gave me. it's best then, that i didn't go to phx the night before and that i rested when i was starting to get sick. my ear still hasn't popped and during take off and landing it felt like my ear drums were going to burst. maybe i permanently damaged my hearing...again.
there is definately mucus in my blood, whether thats from strainin to sing along at the one show or from getting sick who knows.
pretty bummed to be back here, and see the familiar sights. it's like a bad joke, that's gotten really, really old. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 1st, 2005|12:06 pm] |
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i think for the 8 days i did get to spend in town alot was accomplished. regrettably i can't detail all the events but i'm pretty happy that i got to spend the week after my bday in great company. i want to thank all my friends that helped make so many great memories. just another 6 months or so and i'll be home soon. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 24th, 2005|12:42 pm] |
not like i'm working hard or anything, but just the fact that i'm working right now is really aggravating me when i sign out on leave in less than 12 hours and start driving to the airport in less than 18.
tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick.
i haven't eaten lunch yet and i'm still not hungry, i hope i can pop smoke so i don't have to do anything else today. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 22nd, 2005|12:15 pm] |
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i wonder is it hoodie weather in tucson yet? |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 21st, 2005|12:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | black dahlia murder - miasma | ] |
join the club, 4 years of under developed thought and angst ridden rants down the tubes. start new, try again. maybe this time i'll keep the self misery to a minimum, but considering my current disposition, don't count on it.
damnit, now i need to customize this piece of crap. |
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hungrysharks's journal